Veteran Yoruba Matchmaker Explains Why Some Women Never Become Wives… Even After Spending Years in Loving Relationships

For more than forty years, families from across Osun State sought Mama's help when it was time to find husbands and wives. After watching hundreds of relationships succeed — and hundreds quietly fall apart — she came to believe that one misunderstood truth explains why some women become wives... while others are left wondering what went wrong.

I almost ignored the notification.

Another wedding invitation.

Another smiling couple.

Another woman I knew announcing that she had finally found the man she would spend the rest of her life with.

I stared at my phone for a few seconds before putting it face down on the table.

It wasn't that I wasn't happy for her.

I genuinely was.

But if I'm honest, every announcement carried the same quiet question I had been trying not to ask myself.

Why does this keep happening?

How could women who seemed just as ordinary as me... women with similar jobs... similar dreams... and sometimes even shorter relationships... end up becoming wives while I was still trying to understand why my own relationships never seemed to arrive at the same destination?

If you've ever watched someone else celebrate the life you quietly hoped would be yours... you probably know that feeling.

You smile. You send the congratulations. You tell yourself your own time will come.

Then you put your phone away and wonder...

"What am I missing?"

For years, I believed the answer had to be something about me.

Maybe I wasn't patient enough. Maybe I expected too much. Maybe I wasn't praying enough. Maybe I loved too deeply. Maybe I loved the wrong people. Maybe I simply hadn't met the right man yet.

I replayed conversations. Questioned my decisions. Wondered if I had said too much... or not enough.

Like many women, I kept searching for an answer by looking inward. I thought that if I became a better woman... eventually someone would choose me.

But the more I searched... the more confused I became.

Because I had seen wonderful women remain girlfriends for years... only to watch the same man marry someone else not long after they separated.

I had also seen women who didn't seem more beautiful... more successful... or more accomplished... become wives in what felt like half the time.

None of it made sense.

At least... not then.

The Advice Everyone Gave Me

Whenever I spoke to friends or older relatives, the advice was almost always the same.

"Be patient." "Don't pressure him." "Just keep praying." "If it's meant to be, it will happen." "Good things come to those who wait."

Some of that advice brought comfort. Some of it gave me hope.

But none of it answered the question that kept me awake at night.

Why did some relationships naturally move toward marriage... while others seemed to stand still for years?

I wasn't looking for another motivational quote. I wasn't looking for another list of dating tips.

I wanted to understand what was actually happening. Not what people hoped was happening.

The more I searched... the more I realised that almost everyone seemed to have opinions. Very few people had patterns.

Then one afternoon, during a visit to Osun State, someone asked me a question that changed everything.

"Have you ever met Mama?"

I hadn't. I assumed they meant someone's grandmother.

Instead... they smiled and said,

"No... the Mama."

The Woman Everyone Simply Called Mama

In many communities across Osun State, she hardly needed an introduction.

People simply called her Mama.

For more than forty years, families sought her counsel when it was time to find husbands and wives. Parents trusted her judgment. Young men respected her honesty. Young women often left her home feeling lighter than when they arrived.

She wasn't famous. She wasn't on television. She never claimed to be a relationship expert. In fact, I don't think she would have liked that title.

She simply listened. She observed. And over the years, she watched something most people never had the opportunity to witness.

She watched relationships from the beginning... through courtship... through engagement... and eventually... through marriage.

She also watched many relationships quietly come to an end.

Not dramatic endings. Not explosive arguments. Just relationships that slowly stopped moving.

Promises became postponements. Plans became excuses. Years became memories.

After seeing this happen over and over again... Mama began asking herself a different question.

Not, "Why didn't he marry her?"

But, "How does a man decide who becomes his wife?"

It may sound like a small difference. It isn't. As I would soon discover... those two questions lead to completely different answers.

Our First Conversation

I expected advice. Instead... Mama asked me questions.

She wanted to know about my relationships. Not just how they ended. But how they began.

The conversations we had. The promises that were made. The plans we talked about. The moments I ignored because I believed love would eventually solve them.

She listened far more than she spoke. Every now and then she nodded. Occasionally she smiled. She never interrupted.

When I finished, there was a long silence. I remember wondering whether I had said something wrong.

Then she picked up her teacup, stirred it gently, and looked out into the courtyard.

When she finally spoke, her voice was soft. Almost gentle. Yet I still remember every word.

"My daughter... you're trying to answer the wrong question."

I frowned. She continued.

"Most women spend years trying to become the woman a man will marry."

Another pause. Then she looked back at me.

"I spent forty years trying to understand how a man decides who becomes his wife."

I don't know why those words unsettled me so deeply. Maybe because, for the first time, someone wasn't telling me to be more patient. Or pray harder. Or become a better woman.

She was telling me that I had been asking the wrong question all along.

And if the question was wrong... perhaps every answer I had been chasing was wrong too.

"Love Was Never the Whole Story."

Mama must have noticed the confusion on my face. She smiled gently. Then she asked me a question.

"My daughter... have you ever planted maize?"

I laughed. "No, Mama."

She nodded. "I thought so."

Then she leaned back in her chair.

"People often think planting the seed is the hardest part."

"They celebrate the day it goes into the ground."

"They tell everyone what they're expecting."

"But any farmer will tell you..."

She paused.

"Planting isn't harvesting."

I wasn't sure what she meant. So she continued.

"Just because something has begun..." "...doesn't mean it has reached where it was meant to go."

She wasn't talking about farming anymore. She was talking about relationships.

The Mistake I Didn't Know I Was Making

For years... I had treated every happy relationship as if it were naturally moving toward marriage.

If we loved each other... surely marriage would come. If we stayed together long enough... surely marriage would come. If we overcame difficult seasons... surely marriage would come.

Looking back... I realised I wasn't alone. Almost every woman I knew believed the same thing. We assumed that love had only one destination. Marriage.

Mama quietly shook her head.

"Love can begin a relationship." Another pause. "But love alone doesn't always explain why it becomes a marriage."

I sat there without saying a word. Because I had never separated those two ideas before. To me... they had always been the same thing.

Two Different Decisions

Mama reached for another cup of tea.

"My daughter..." "When a man begins a relationship..." "...he is making one decision."

She looked directly at me.

"When he chooses a wife..." "...he is making another."

The words hung in the air. I wanted to disagree. I wanted to tell her that love should be enough. That surely if a man loved someone... marriage would naturally follow.

Before I could speak... Mama smiled.

"I know." "That is what most people believe."

Then she asked another question.

"Have you ever known a man who stayed with a woman for many years..." "...only to marry someone else?"

I didn't have to think. "Yes."

She nodded. "Most women have."

Then she asked another. "Have you ever known a couple who married much sooner than anyone expected?"

Again... yes.

Mama wasn't asking because she didn't know the answers. She was helping me see something I had been looking at my whole life... without really seeing it.

Patterns Don't Lie

Mama wasn't interested in isolated stories. She was interested in patterns.

One relationship can be unusual. Two relationships can be coincidence. But after watching hundreds... certain things become impossible to ignore.

"I stopped asking why one relationship failed." "I started asking why another became a marriage." "That is when I began to notice something."

I leaned forward. "What did you notice?"

Mama smiled. "I noticed that most people were watching the relationship." "I was watching the decisions."

I frowned. I wasn't sure I understood.

She laughed softly. "I know." "You won't..." "Not yet."

I Left With More Questions Than Answers

When I finally stood up to leave that afternoon... I realised something unusual had happened.

Mama hadn't given me a list of rules. She hadn't criticised me. She hadn't criticised men. She hadn't told me to change who I was.

Instead... she had quietly dismantled an assumption I had carried for years.

As I drove home, her words kept replaying in my mind.

"Most women spend years trying to become the woman a man will marry."
"I spent forty years trying to understand how a man decides who becomes his wife."

For the first time... I stopped asking, "Why wasn't I enough?"

And started asking, "What have I never been taught to see?"

It was a small shift. But it changed everything.

Weeks Later...

I couldn't stop thinking about that conversation. It followed me into quiet mornings. Long drives. Even ordinary moments.

The more I reflected... the more I realised that almost every piece of relationship advice I had ever received had focused on one thing: How to keep a relationship.

Very little of it helped me understand how relationships become marriages.

And perhaps those weren't the same conversation after all.

I knew I needed to see Mama again. Not because she had answered my questions... But because she had given me better ones.

The Patterns Most People Never Stop To Notice

The next time I visited Mama, I brought a notebook. Not because she asked me to. Because I realised something. Every conversation with her seemed to answer a question I didn't even know I had been asking.

This time, I wasn't looking for advice. I wanted to understand the patterns she had spent decades observing.

"Mama," I asked. "When did you first realise there was a difference between falling in love... and choosing a wife?"

She smiled. "It wasn't one couple." "It was hundreds."

Forty Years Of Watching The Same Story

"When you've watched enough families," she said, "you stop paying attention to only what people say." "You start paying attention to what they do."

She explained that over the years she had watched young couples arrive full of excitement. Some eventually celebrated weddings. Others slowly disappeared from each other's lives.

At first, she thought every story was unique. Every heartbreak different. Every successful marriage simply good fortune.

"But after enough years..." "...you begin to notice that the endings aren't as random as they first appear."

That sentence stayed with me. Because I had always believed relationships were unpredictable.

Mama wasn't saying they were predictable. She was saying they were patterned.

Those are not the same thing.

I Asked The Question Every Woman Eventually Asks

"So..." I said carefully. "Why does it happen?" "Why does one woman become his wife..." "...while another spends years hoping?"

Mama looked at me for a moment before answering. Then she surprised me again.

"My daughter..." "I don't begin with that question anymore."

I laughed. "You've said that before."

She nodded. "Because it matters." "If you begin with the wrong question..." "...even the right answer won't help you."

She Drew Two Circles

Mama reached for a piece of paper. With slow, careful movements, she drew two circles.

The first she labelled: Relationship

The second: Marriage

"They touch." She pointed to where the circles overlapped. "But they are not the same."

I stared at the paper. It looked almost too simple.

She smiled when she noticed my expression. "Most people spend their whole lives believing these circles are one." She tapped the page again. "They're connected." "But they are different."

I looked at those circles for a long time. Not because they were complicated. Because they explained something I had felt... but had never been able to put into words.

Everything Began To Look Different

Over the following weeks... I started thinking about relationships I had seen over the years. Friends. Relatives. Neighbours. Even my own.

Suddenly... I wasn't only remembering whether people loved each other. I was remembering decisions. Conversations. Timing. Direction. Commitment.

Things I had barely noticed before.

It felt as though someone had adjusted the focus on a camera. The same picture... but sharper.

I began to realise something uncomfortable. Love had never blinded me. Assumption had.

I had assumed that because a relationship existed... it must naturally become a marriage if we simply waited long enough.

Nobody had ever taught me to recognise the difference.

What Mama Never Wanted Women To Do

One afternoon, I asked her something that had been bothering me.

"So what should women do?" "Should they change?" "Should they become someone different?"

Mama answered immediately. "No." She shook her head. "Never become someone else just to be chosen."

Then she added something I have never forgotten.

"Understanding is not the same as pretending."

She explained that her goal had never been to teach women how to manipulate men. Or perform. Or compete with other women.

She wanted women to understand the journey they were on... so they could make wiser decisions for themselves.

"Because," she said quietly, "wisdom protects."

That sentence hit me harder than I expected. Not because it was dramatic. Because it was true.

The Day Everything Changed

As our conversations continued over the following months... my notebook became fuller. Every visit raised new questions. Every answer connected to something we had discussed before.

Slowly... I stopped seeing Mama's lessons as relationship advice. They were something much deeper. They were a different way of understanding commitment itself.

One afternoon, as I looked down at pages filled with notes, I realised something. These conversations shouldn't stay in one sitting room in Osun State.

There were women across Nigeria... across Africa... perhaps even across the world... asking the same questions I had once asked.

Questions that deserved better answers than, "Just wait." Or, "If it's meant to be, it will happen."

I looked up at Mama. "Mama..." "What if these conversations could help someone who may never have the chance to sit here with you?"

She smiled. The kind of smile that comes from someone who has already considered the thought.

"I was wondering when you would ask."

Why I Asked Mama For Permission

I told her I wanted to write everything down. Not just for myself.

For every woman who had ever questioned her worth because a relationship didn't become a marriage.

For every woman who blamed herself without ever understanding the bigger picture.

For every woman who was still searching for answers.

Mama listened quietly. Then she said something that became the reason this book exists.

"Wisdom was never meant to stay with one person." "If it can help someone..." "It should travel further than we ever can."

That afternoon... she gave me permission. Not to write a relationship book. But to preserve a lifetime of observations that had changed the way I understood relationships forever.

Those conversations eventually became...

Always the Bridesmaid.

Everything Mama Wanted Every Woman To Know

When I finally finished writing Always the Bridesmaid, I realised there were still conversations that deserved their own space.

Some focused on recognising healthy relationships. Some helped women ask better questions. Some were designed to help you reflect on your own journey.

Rather than squeeze everything into one book... I created five companion guides that build on Mama's lessons and help you put them into practice.

When you begin reading Always the Bridesmaid today, you'll receive these companion guides at no additional cost.

📘 Bonus 1 — The Green Flag Guide

Not every relationship warning is a red flag. Some are green.
Most people spend so much time trying to avoid the wrong person that they never learn how to recognise the qualities worth building a future around. In this guide, you'll discover the relationship habits, character traits and behaviours Mama believed were just as important to recognise as the warning signs.

📙 Bonus 2 — The Wife-or-Placeholder Test

Sometimes the hardest truth isn't that a relationship is ending... it's that it isn't moving.
This companion guide helps you recognise whether your relationship is genuinely progressing toward commitment or quietly remaining in the same place. Through thoughtful questions and practical reflections, you'll learn how to evaluate direction instead of relying on hope alone.

📗 Bonus 3 — The Conversation Scripts

The right conversation, at the right time, can reveal what months of guessing never will.
Many women avoid important conversations because they fear saying the wrong thing. This guide provides carefully structured conversation starters, thoughtful questions and practical examples designed to help you communicate with confidence, clarity and emotional maturity.

📕 Bonus 4 — The 90-Day Positioning Journal

Understanding something is one thing. Living it is another.
This guided journal helps you apply Mama's lessons to your own life over the next ninety days through daily reflections, writing prompts and practical exercises that encourage deeper self-awareness and intentional decision-making.

📓 Bonus 5 — The Signals Decoder

The smallest patterns often reveal the biggest truths.
Throughout her life, Mama noticed subtle relationship signals that many people overlooked. This companion guide helps you recognise those quiet patterns, understand what they may be telling you, and become more aware of the direction your own relationship is taking.

Today, You'll Receive Everything For Just...

Yes — Show Me How to Be ChosenInstant download · $9.99 · Completely private

Frequently Asked Questions

Some Conversations Stay With You

Years have passed since I first sat with Mama.

But even now... I still hear her voice whenever someone asks, "Why wasn't I the one?"

Because I know what she would say.

"My daughter... You're asking the wrong question."

If this article has made you pause... reflect... or see your own story differently...

Perhaps it's time to continue the conversation.

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